Along with "No Country for Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood" (which hasn't found wide release just yet), "Juno" was on my list of to-do movies this holiday season, so I went and saw it. My mom made me take my little brother, but I can deal with his presence by treating him like poop. Parking behind the movie theater was a real bitch, and I was cursing up a storm as I circled the parking lot and finding nothing. Then I saw a car backing out of a space, and I thought my search was over, but there was already a minivan on the other side of the space laying claim to it. The driver must've noticed my interest in the space because they turned on their blinker as if to say "I'm going THERE, get it?" I was in a right pissy mood because of the slushy weather and the movie was just about to start, so i was half-leaning to taking the spot right from under the other driver. It was my little brother who pushed me over the edge, oddly enough, by cackling, "Do it! Take it! Ha ha ha!" I kind of did want that space, and I had the better angle to get in, so I took it while the minivan driver leaned on their horn in rage. My and my brother were absolutely thrilled with the evil deed we'd just perpetrated. We were also giddy with fear that we might meet the other driver in the theater or that they would key up our car. Anyways, I don't know if that incident tainted my experience of the film itself or not.
I went into "Juno" wanting to like it - the same way I went into "No Country Old Men." I always want to like the same movies as other people because it makes for interesting conversation. This goes nearly contrary to my philosophy of music appreciation, obviously, and I've suffered for that by having some awkward, dead-end musical conversations. I usually can't help what I like, though. In the case with "Juno", I couldn't help but feel that the movie was essentially disposable. Like "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Eagle vs. Shark" and things of that like, it is so clearly packaged to be a quirky outsider flick to the extent that it's off-putting. Unlike "Little Miss Sunshine", "Juno" doesn't have a compelling ending or particularly endearing moments or characters to redeem it. Michael Cera has disappointingly little to do or say here, and he might even be miscast here. Though his youthful looks and unsexy demeanor are probably meant to give the impression that he is not nearly mature enough for the situation he's dropped into, he never comes across as the soul-mate material for Juno that he needs to be for the film to succeed. Essentially, all we know are that he and her are in a garage band together where they play crappy Moldy Peaches songs and share no chemistry.
The dramatic arc of the film actually has little to do with the pregnancy itself or its preparation, but with Juno's relationships with Paulie (Cera), her parents, and the adoptive parents of her child, and it's introduced late in the movie and dealt with in the most predictable way possible. The arguments and obstacles that present themselves are very foreseeable as well as mild in scale (something the film shares with "Knocked Up"), and I can't really spoil the message of the film because it's in the trailer: "The best you can do is find someone who loves you for exactly who you are" or something to that effect. Really? Find someone who will put up with my shit? I'll write that one down in my notebook after to "Don't eat silica gel."
I left the movie wondering what it is I want from viewing a film, in general. I guess it's a whole lot of retarded fun to quote lines with my friends and share a laugh, but I don't think padding a movie's dialogue with zingers gives it quality. There has to be something there that cannot be conveyed through any other medium but the film itself. The greatness of the film cannot be written about or talked about to any satisfying extent; it can only be experienced and known. I'm probably talking about the art-entertainment distinction as I see it. Great art seems to have a mysterious repellant shield that prevents it from being truly encapsulated or summarized without losing its essence. This is an unfortunate paradox! The more that a piece of music, film, or painting means to you or I, the more impossible it is to communicate that meaning. The more precise and tangible the language we use, the less we say. For instance, if I tell you "I love you," you only kind of know what I mean even though it could be a fact. However, if I use some poetic idiom like "I have butterflies in my stomach when I see you" or "You take my breath away," you better understand what my "love" means. Art, with its vagueries and half-notions, is the only true method of communicating thoughts and feelings.
I guess I got so caught up in this philosophical exercise, I don't know whether I'm being completely lame or not. I think I've just taken a page from some introductory course on art from a state school and tagged it deep thought... welcome to the blogosphere, everyone!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Roundup
-I consciously avoided devoting space in my In Rainbows article to discussion over whether certain songs from the bonus disc could or could not have been a good fit on the main disc. I felt like that was an obvious thing to talk about, and I would've felt boring doing so, but privately I've been fiddling with the tracklist to see whether I could make a better, stronger album out of In Rainbows by swapping in and out songs from the bonus disc while still preserving the original essence of the album. I think the first half of In Rainbows is nearly perfect, so I'm not tinkering with that. Even though I'm not ga-ga over "Nude," I think it's essential to the sensual aesthetic of the album. All I've done so far is replace "Reckoner" with "Down is the New Up" and "Videotape" with "4-Minute Warning." Results so far are pending because I'll have to re-listen to the album after the changes.
This then got me thinking: what if an artist released an album that was not an album, i.e. an album's-worth collection of songs with no order to them. Each individual listener would then decide for themselves what they believed should be the running order and arrange the tracks accordingly. The 'album' would have to be released digitally, of course, preferably from a website where the tracks could be downloaded in a fashion that doesn't showcase them in some particular order (so the listener wouldn't be tempted to try to guess what the band's 'intended' tracklist was). Maybe the band could outline some rules, like if there were 14 tracks total, the listener could pick at least 10 to be in their running order and up to 4 B-sides. Is this whole scheme gimmicky or would it give artistic legitimacy to a past-time that music fans already experiment with? Until Brian Wilson's Smile was released, Beach Boys fans were practically forced to create their own individual Smile mix-tapes out of abandoned demos. I once made a playlist called "Kid Amnesiac" that culled the best of each of those albums into one monster collection. I guess if Radiohead really wanted to blow up the music industry a second time, this could be their next move.
-Yay, I won the Super Bowl in Madden in All-Pro difficulty. I went into an absolute zone during the playoffs (I think I only threw one interception total in those four games), and I even had to go through the Colts. I figured out how to get to Peyton Manning, and it might've been a little unfair, but it's really annoying to wait for him to audible 3-4 times on each snap. I just kept audibling my defense every time Manning audibled, so I was basically switching my coverage scheme every time he recognized it (which I think is cheating on his part!). Eventually, the play clock would run down and Manning would have to snap the ball with whatever coverage I had decided, and it ended up being less than ideal for him. We traded scores through three quarters, until I realized that he loved to throw to Reggie Wayne, so I started overloading coverage on him (usually with an OLB going into a drop-zone on his size of the field). It worked! I got a game-icing interception with my linebacker who was covering Wayne in a drop-zone, and I advanced to the Super Bowl against the Falcons.
The Falcons had Michael Vick (heheh) which Madden made into some six-million dollar man super-god. He threw 3 TD passes of 50 or more yards, which was really frustrating because my defense was really putting up good stands while the Falcons were stuck deep into their own territory. Then - bam! - my secondary would get absolutely burned for no reason. I was down by 14 at one point in the first half, and I went into halftime down by 11. But they forgot about one thing: they forgot about Tom Brady. I tied the game in the second half (including a 2-point conversion) to force overtime. Overtime is not my friend in Madden because I always lose the coin toss and the opposing team returns the opening kickoff to the 30, meaning they only have to drive 40 yards to kick the winning field goal. Well that happened in this game too, but the Falcons... missed the Super Bowl-winning field goal! I gained possession, handed the ball to Laurence Maroney on the first snap, and he immediately ran 60 yards down the sideline to win the championship game in overtime with a touchdown. Wheeee!
The offseason is actually my favorite part of Madden. I think it's because you can manipulate the makeup of your team by measuring player attributes like it's an RPG. Training camp actually allows you to increase those attribute points with fun drills. Pulling off a good trade is really satisfying too. I was able to re-sign all my key players from the previous season this time, so I had virtually no holes in my roster to fill, so I had the luxury of trying to go for that superstar player in the draft. I traded away Corey Dillon (who I was going to cut anyways because he was too expensive and worse than Laurence Maroney) and my 2nd round draft pick for a higher 2nd round draft pick. I then traded that high 2nd round pick and my 1st round pick for a higher 1st round pick. I then traded that higher 1st round pick and my 3rd round pick for the 4th overall pick in the draft! I used it to sign a superstar WR who is a perfect kick returner (99 points). The only downside is that now I don't have much use for Wes Welker, who I love in real life and traded for in the game. He was a very integral part of my Super Bowl run with his kick returns, but he's just not as good as this new hot-shot rookie I have. I think I'll keep him out of loyalty, but his morale points might drop from being usurped.
-Some dipshit entered the elevator on the 3rd floor and exited on the 4th while talking on his bluetooth headset. I gave the back of his head the stink-eye, and when he left, the maintenance worker who was in the elevator with me seemed to agree. "Guess he was in a hurry," he mused in a New England accent. Unless you are disabled or have a heavy load, you do not take the elevator up one floor, you hear? The only thing worse is taking the elevator down one floor. I've never witnessed it before, but it's so ridiculous in concept that you could make it the basis for a Candid Camera episode.
-The cat-who-must-not-be-named now also likes sleeping in my bed, but I think it's only because it likes sleeping next to Banjo. It's nice that the cat likes my bed, but it's also a nuisance since it sheds 10x more than Banjo and doesn't like being disturbed while sleeping. So if I'm sleeping in my own bed and I switch positions and jostle the cat, it will then wake up and run to my bedroom door which I then have to get up and open. With Banjo, I don't have this problem because he's like a rag doll when he's sleepy and unflappably inert. He's the ideal bedtime buddy.
This then got me thinking: what if an artist released an album that was not an album, i.e. an album's-worth collection of songs with no order to them. Each individual listener would then decide for themselves what they believed should be the running order and arrange the tracks accordingly. The 'album' would have to be released digitally, of course, preferably from a website where the tracks could be downloaded in a fashion that doesn't showcase them in some particular order (so the listener wouldn't be tempted to try to guess what the band's 'intended' tracklist was). Maybe the band could outline some rules, like if there were 14 tracks total, the listener could pick at least 10 to be in their running order and up to 4 B-sides. Is this whole scheme gimmicky or would it give artistic legitimacy to a past-time that music fans already experiment with? Until Brian Wilson's Smile was released, Beach Boys fans were practically forced to create their own individual Smile mix-tapes out of abandoned demos. I once made a playlist called "Kid Amnesiac" that culled the best of each of those albums into one monster collection. I guess if Radiohead really wanted to blow up the music industry a second time, this could be their next move.
-Yay, I won the Super Bowl in Madden in All-Pro difficulty. I went into an absolute zone during the playoffs (I think I only threw one interception total in those four games), and I even had to go through the Colts. I figured out how to get to Peyton Manning, and it might've been a little unfair, but it's really annoying to wait for him to audible 3-4 times on each snap. I just kept audibling my defense every time Manning audibled, so I was basically switching my coverage scheme every time he recognized it (which I think is cheating on his part!). Eventually, the play clock would run down and Manning would have to snap the ball with whatever coverage I had decided, and it ended up being less than ideal for him. We traded scores through three quarters, until I realized that he loved to throw to Reggie Wayne, so I started overloading coverage on him (usually with an OLB going into a drop-zone on his size of the field). It worked! I got a game-icing interception with my linebacker who was covering Wayne in a drop-zone, and I advanced to the Super Bowl against the Falcons.
The Falcons had Michael Vick (heheh) which Madden made into some six-million dollar man super-god. He threw 3 TD passes of 50 or more yards, which was really frustrating because my defense was really putting up good stands while the Falcons were stuck deep into their own territory. Then - bam! - my secondary would get absolutely burned for no reason. I was down by 14 at one point in the first half, and I went into halftime down by 11. But they forgot about one thing: they forgot about Tom Brady. I tied the game in the second half (including a 2-point conversion) to force overtime. Overtime is not my friend in Madden because I always lose the coin toss and the opposing team returns the opening kickoff to the 30, meaning they only have to drive 40 yards to kick the winning field goal. Well that happened in this game too, but the Falcons... missed the Super Bowl-winning field goal! I gained possession, handed the ball to Laurence Maroney on the first snap, and he immediately ran 60 yards down the sideline to win the championship game in overtime with a touchdown. Wheeee!
The offseason is actually my favorite part of Madden. I think it's because you can manipulate the makeup of your team by measuring player attributes like it's an RPG. Training camp actually allows you to increase those attribute points with fun drills. Pulling off a good trade is really satisfying too. I was able to re-sign all my key players from the previous season this time, so I had virtually no holes in my roster to fill, so I had the luxury of trying to go for that superstar player in the draft. I traded away Corey Dillon (who I was going to cut anyways because he was too expensive and worse than Laurence Maroney) and my 2nd round draft pick for a higher 2nd round draft pick. I then traded that high 2nd round pick and my 1st round pick for a higher 1st round pick. I then traded that higher 1st round pick and my 3rd round pick for the 4th overall pick in the draft! I used it to sign a superstar WR who is a perfect kick returner (99 points). The only downside is that now I don't have much use for Wes Welker, who I love in real life and traded for in the game. He was a very integral part of my Super Bowl run with his kick returns, but he's just not as good as this new hot-shot rookie I have. I think I'll keep him out of loyalty, but his morale points might drop from being usurped.
-Some dipshit entered the elevator on the 3rd floor and exited on the 4th while talking on his bluetooth headset. I gave the back of his head the stink-eye, and when he left, the maintenance worker who was in the elevator with me seemed to agree. "Guess he was in a hurry," he mused in a New England accent. Unless you are disabled or have a heavy load, you do not take the elevator up one floor, you hear? The only thing worse is taking the elevator down one floor. I've never witnessed it before, but it's so ridiculous in concept that you could make it the basis for a Candid Camera episode.
-The cat-who-must-not-be-named now also likes sleeping in my bed, but I think it's only because it likes sleeping next to Banjo. It's nice that the cat likes my bed, but it's also a nuisance since it sheds 10x more than Banjo and doesn't like being disturbed while sleeping. So if I'm sleeping in my own bed and I switch positions and jostle the cat, it will then wake up and run to my bedroom door which I then have to get up and open. With Banjo, I don't have this problem because he's like a rag doll when he's sleepy and unflappably inert. He's the ideal bedtime buddy.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Article in the Tech
From the December 11, 2007 issue of the Tech (original article here):
Radiohead Brings the Chanukah Cheer
Second ‘In Rainbows’ Disc Is Truly a Bonus
By Andrew Lee
December 11, 2007
Radiohead - In Rainbows (Bonus Disc)
Produced by Nigel Godrich (Self Released)
If our own Arts Editor Sarah Dupuis hadn’t claimed reviewing rights to Radiohead’s In Rainbows before I could, an entirely different story would’ve been told. In short, I would’ve torn Radiohead a new basement door for not living up to its own standards, or what I’d perceived them to be. I owe Dupuis a debt of gratitude for preventing me from making such a mistake. In Rainbows is, I’ll admit now, quite satisfying, and it was my selfish here-I-am-now-entertain-me attitude that kept me from understanding that. The album has an oceanic serenity that could be confused for dullness until you let the majesty of “House of Cards” or “Nude” permeate you. So much of it cannot be scrutinized and enjoyed at the same time before you’ve initially taken a more relaxed perspective.
Radiohead brought as much finality as one could possibly bring to an album-closer with the funeral march of “Videotape,” so what does the new bonus disc to In Rainbows bring to the equation, if anything? Bands have released extra tracks before (B-sides, demos, live versions) to pad up deluxe editions of their albums, but Radiohead’s gone to some length to make this disc more of a “disc two” than a “bonus disc.” For one thing, it begins with an instrumental segue from “Videotape,” as if the listener is about to enter a realm after death through a curtain of liquid piano echo. That track, “Mk 1,” is one of two brief instrumental pieces included, but neither has an under-produced, throwaway quality to them.
The interludes ably complement the six remaining songs, but they’re ultimately disposable. This makes the In Rainbows bonus disc into the album that everyone accused “Amnesiac” of being: a cobbling-together of leftover material from a previous recording session as opposed to a separate entity. The quality of these leftovers, however, just serves to show how fantastic the main meal was.
I was sold after hearing “Down Is the New Up.” It has enough studio effects and overdubs to perk up the ears of studious, detail-oriented fans and it still delivers a truly gripping Radiohead moment when the violas make their crushing entrance while the drums thunder back in reply. Thom Yorke sounds like he’s on an ego trip, taunting some poor soul whose life has taken a wrong turn: “You’re future’s bleak / You’re so last week.” Either Thom’s gone evil on us or it’s a successful bit of character acting.
Or maybe he’s just airing out one of the darker facets of his personality, because later on in “Last Flowers” he turns right back around and inhabits the broken man he was jawing at in “Down Is the New Up.” “Last Flowers” has the most raw arrangement out of any song in either disc of In Rainbows, and it features one of the most pained melodies of Radiohead’s entire catalog. Thom sounds wounded by life and the unthinkable prospect of it going on when he says, “I can’t face the evening straight / and you can’t offer me escape.” The chord progression nearly offers resolution in the song’s chorus, only to snatch it away. “Last Flowers” lingers in your mind well after the final piano notes fade out.
“Go Slowly” further alludes to suicide but to a much weaker effect. Its plodding 4/4 tempo and general predictability make it a surprisingly generic song by Radiohead’s standards, and it even bears a passing resemblance to the Oasis song “Talk Tonight.” (Sacrilege!) It’s still quite listenable, but it’s easily the weakest song here. The remaining songs are still good enough to make this the most consistent set of non-LP material Radiohead’s ever made. It more than makes up for the dreadful experimentations in B-sides for their previous album Hail to the Thief.
With a bruising lead guitar riff, “Bangers and Mash” is a jagged guitar rocker in the same vein as “Bodysnatchers” but with even more menace (“Bit me, bit me, bit me / I’ve got the poison!”). Radiohead’s rhythm section showcases its diversity on “Up on the Ladder” whose percussion is the throb of a drum machine with the faint rattling of both wood and metal deep in the mix. Thom pulls off a Doctor Who reference (“I’m stuck in the Tardis”) surprisingly well with help from a world-weary bass line from Colin Greenwood which helps paint a gloomy scene of a universe whose infinity is not awe-inspiring but eternally repetitive.
Nothing, however, surprises more than the finale, “4-Minute Warning.” Its mood and restraint are perfectly surreal and like nothing else the band has done since “The Bends.” The title refers to the amount of time citizens could expect between the launch of a nuclear missile and its arrival on British soil during the Cold War. The jarring and simultaneously upbeat calmness of the song feels more like a last goodbye before oblivion than any maudlin gloominess could portray. In that respect, “4-Minute Warning” would’ve been a superior closing song to In Rainbows than “Videotape,” and Radiohead could hypothetically end their career with this understated masterpiece. If this disc is any indication, though, they may have just entered their prime.
Radiohead Brings the Chanukah Cheer
Second ‘In Rainbows’ Disc Is Truly a Bonus
By Andrew Lee
December 11, 2007
Radiohead - In Rainbows (Bonus Disc)
Produced by Nigel Godrich (Self Released)
If our own Arts Editor Sarah Dupuis hadn’t claimed reviewing rights to Radiohead’s In Rainbows before I could, an entirely different story would’ve been told. In short, I would’ve torn Radiohead a new basement door for not living up to its own standards, or what I’d perceived them to be. I owe Dupuis a debt of gratitude for preventing me from making such a mistake. In Rainbows is, I’ll admit now, quite satisfying, and it was my selfish here-I-am-now-entertain-me attitude that kept me from understanding that. The album has an oceanic serenity that could be confused for dullness until you let the majesty of “House of Cards” or “Nude” permeate you. So much of it cannot be scrutinized and enjoyed at the same time before you’ve initially taken a more relaxed perspective.
Radiohead brought as much finality as one could possibly bring to an album-closer with the funeral march of “Videotape,” so what does the new bonus disc to In Rainbows bring to the equation, if anything? Bands have released extra tracks before (B-sides, demos, live versions) to pad up deluxe editions of their albums, but Radiohead’s gone to some length to make this disc more of a “disc two” than a “bonus disc.” For one thing, it begins with an instrumental segue from “Videotape,” as if the listener is about to enter a realm after death through a curtain of liquid piano echo. That track, “Mk 1,” is one of two brief instrumental pieces included, but neither has an under-produced, throwaway quality to them.
The interludes ably complement the six remaining songs, but they’re ultimately disposable. This makes the In Rainbows bonus disc into the album that everyone accused “Amnesiac” of being: a cobbling-together of leftover material from a previous recording session as opposed to a separate entity. The quality of these leftovers, however, just serves to show how fantastic the main meal was.
I was sold after hearing “Down Is the New Up.” It has enough studio effects and overdubs to perk up the ears of studious, detail-oriented fans and it still delivers a truly gripping Radiohead moment when the violas make their crushing entrance while the drums thunder back in reply. Thom Yorke sounds like he’s on an ego trip, taunting some poor soul whose life has taken a wrong turn: “You’re future’s bleak / You’re so last week.” Either Thom’s gone evil on us or it’s a successful bit of character acting.
Or maybe he’s just airing out one of the darker facets of his personality, because later on in “Last Flowers” he turns right back around and inhabits the broken man he was jawing at in “Down Is the New Up.” “Last Flowers” has the most raw arrangement out of any song in either disc of In Rainbows, and it features one of the most pained melodies of Radiohead’s entire catalog. Thom sounds wounded by life and the unthinkable prospect of it going on when he says, “I can’t face the evening straight / and you can’t offer me escape.” The chord progression nearly offers resolution in the song’s chorus, only to snatch it away. “Last Flowers” lingers in your mind well after the final piano notes fade out.
“Go Slowly” further alludes to suicide but to a much weaker effect. Its plodding 4/4 tempo and general predictability make it a surprisingly generic song by Radiohead’s standards, and it even bears a passing resemblance to the Oasis song “Talk Tonight.” (Sacrilege!) It’s still quite listenable, but it’s easily the weakest song here. The remaining songs are still good enough to make this the most consistent set of non-LP material Radiohead’s ever made. It more than makes up for the dreadful experimentations in B-sides for their previous album Hail to the Thief.
With a bruising lead guitar riff, “Bangers and Mash” is a jagged guitar rocker in the same vein as “Bodysnatchers” but with even more menace (“Bit me, bit me, bit me / I’ve got the poison!”). Radiohead’s rhythm section showcases its diversity on “Up on the Ladder” whose percussion is the throb of a drum machine with the faint rattling of both wood and metal deep in the mix. Thom pulls off a Doctor Who reference (“I’m stuck in the Tardis”) surprisingly well with help from a world-weary bass line from Colin Greenwood which helps paint a gloomy scene of a universe whose infinity is not awe-inspiring but eternally repetitive.
Nothing, however, surprises more than the finale, “4-Minute Warning.” Its mood and restraint are perfectly surreal and like nothing else the band has done since “The Bends.” The title refers to the amount of time citizens could expect between the launch of a nuclear missile and its arrival on British soil during the Cold War. The jarring and simultaneously upbeat calmness of the song feels more like a last goodbye before oblivion than any maudlin gloominess could portray. In that respect, “4-Minute Warning” would’ve been a superior closing song to In Rainbows than “Videotape,” and Radiohead could hypothetically end their career with this understated masterpiece. If this disc is any indication, though, they may have just entered their prime.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Madden
I've suffered another heartbreaking loss in Madden. I came back from a three possession deficit in the second half, and then it really got crazy with about 6 TDs between both teams in the final 2 minutes. In overtime, however, I lost the coin flip and watched Kelly Holcomb deliver the game-winning score, which was his third 70+ yard TD pass of the game. What the fuck is that bullshit. Holcomb is not even in the league in real life, but he's firing these absolute bombs in the game - for the Bills. If my family hadn't been asleep, I would've flipped my shit and thrown my cat out the window. Instead I had to bottle up the frustration and stew in my rage. This is how terrorists are made.
As a side note, I played a record 8 Madden games today, which translates to 6 hours of Madden. Bow to me!
The real Tom Brady and the Patriots go for 13-0 tomorrow afternoon. This is really not a good place to be as a Patriots fan. With all the attention on the possibility of the perfect record, no one will be satisfied with 'simply' a Super Bowl win, of which they are all but guaranteed. A guaranteed Super Bowl... what's the fun in that? A loss at this point is about five times more devastating than a win would be satisfying. A win should feel like another rung climbed on a ladder when it instead just feels like relief for another week. Then again, it could just be that the last two close games have put the fear of God into me, and the Patriots will turn back into their running-up-the-score ways. No more close ones, please.
As a side note, I played a record 8 Madden games today, which translates to 6 hours of Madden. Bow to me!
The real Tom Brady and the Patriots go for 13-0 tomorrow afternoon. This is really not a good place to be as a Patriots fan. With all the attention on the possibility of the perfect record, no one will be satisfied with 'simply' a Super Bowl win, of which they are all but guaranteed. A guaranteed Super Bowl... what's the fun in that? A loss at this point is about five times more devastating than a win would be satisfying. A win should feel like another rung climbed on a ladder when it instead just feels like relief for another week. Then again, it could just be that the last two close games have put the fear of God into me, and the Patriots will turn back into their running-up-the-score ways. No more close ones, please.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Parking in the lines
The upper valley area has been moderately snowed-under for the past week, and it doesn't fill me with much feeling whatsoever. It basically means I can't practice whiffleball and the roads are more slippery, but it also means Banjo doesn't whine to go outside all the goddam fucking time. The idea of frolicking in the white stuff doesn't enter my head. It must be a step towards adulthood when snow doesn't fill you with happiness anymore. Even in college, the sight of a clean cornered rectangle of unbroken blankness covering Briggs field was mind-cleansing.
In a practical sense, snow makes adults into retards. My parents get over-anxious when there's any snow on the roads, and they repeatedly tell me to not take the shortcut back home up Pinneo Hill Rd. because it's gravel. Sometimes they call me to remind me of this. Frozen jagged gravel or slippery mush on pavement... which do you think has more traction, idiots? I always take Pinneo Hill with no trouble ever. My parents are always driving off the road and off our own driveway, while I, whom I consider to be a subpar driver, have driven home with the upper 2/3 of my windshield iced over.
Everyone in the work parking lot has forgotten how to park within the lines. Rather, a couple people probably screwed it up for everyone else, forcing them to shift over. If you can't see the lines because they're covered in snow, make a good guess as to where they are and not a stupid one. Sometimes I find the original dumbass's car, and there's 8 feet of room between his car and the next car over that was the last to be within the lines. As I walked past this, I thought of an idea for a story/movie/scenario that involved a serial killer sniper who only shot people who didn't park correctly. How many victims would it take for the police to catch on to the pattern? Do they investigate the car of a victim at a crime scene? Would the police chief say in his televised press conference afterwards, "Citizens, for your own safety, I implore you to park your vehicles as straight as possible within the designated boundaries!" Then everyone would be terrified while they parked, backing in and out 3-4 times to get it just right. Hilarious.
In a practical sense, snow makes adults into retards. My parents get over-anxious when there's any snow on the roads, and they repeatedly tell me to not take the shortcut back home up Pinneo Hill Rd. because it's gravel. Sometimes they call me to remind me of this. Frozen jagged gravel or slippery mush on pavement... which do you think has more traction, idiots? I always take Pinneo Hill with no trouble ever. My parents are always driving off the road and off our own driveway, while I, whom I consider to be a subpar driver, have driven home with the upper 2/3 of my windshield iced over.
Everyone in the work parking lot has forgotten how to park within the lines. Rather, a couple people probably screwed it up for everyone else, forcing them to shift over. If you can't see the lines because they're covered in snow, make a good guess as to where they are and not a stupid one. Sometimes I find the original dumbass's car, and there's 8 feet of room between his car and the next car over that was the last to be within the lines. As I walked past this, I thought of an idea for a story/movie/scenario that involved a serial killer sniper who only shot people who didn't park correctly. How many victims would it take for the police to catch on to the pattern? Do they investigate the car of a victim at a crime scene? Would the police chief say in his televised press conference afterwards, "Citizens, for your own safety, I implore you to park your vehicles as straight as possible within the designated boundaries!" Then everyone would be terrified while they parked, backing in and out 3-4 times to get it just right. Hilarious.
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